Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
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COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”