Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

craving $300 all of a sudden

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left