Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

Feel. He’s so soft.

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.