doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
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Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.