doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
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Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.