Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

😂😂😂

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”