Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

I had to Stop for this

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass