Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

the #horror is real!

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

Never forget.

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

Look, a pure bread cat!

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.