Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
You Might Also Like
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?