Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
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The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
The most precious boy
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B