Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
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I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.