Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
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*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?