Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
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I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
all that yoga finally paid off
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it