Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

I’m an American/Canadian dual-citizen so I’m charging myself 25% more now, but also 25% again in retaliation against myself. Your move, Jesse.

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.