DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
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If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera