The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya