@theSolemnBard

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

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@michael_raphone

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

@bgdadyspnkbtm

My goal of having sex in 2020 isn’t looking good.

2021 isn’t looking good either.

@underalls

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

@praisecheese

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

@mommajessiec

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

@QwertyJones3

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

@Tbone7219

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

@KentWGraham

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

@Underchilde

I’m sorry but shits and giggles don’t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.