[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
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My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Legend 🤣🤣
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I have so many questions.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.