doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
You Might Also Like
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it