Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

God, I love Scotland

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.