Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

Just had my nails done!

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good