Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS