Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

Running from your problems is cardio .

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now