what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
You Might Also Like
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I’m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell