@Browtweaten

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

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@crocodilethumbs

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

@rolldiggity

Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.

@ArfMeasures

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

@70Ceeks

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

@ThugRaccoons

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

@seamusmckracken

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

@rad_milk

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

@panmidwest

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell