Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….

Help end the violence!!!

Eat BACON!!

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

🌲😼

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

journal

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

When you let grandma cat sit

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.