Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

if a cop pulls u over play dead

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.