doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
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ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
FRED: right
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids