doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
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The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
when there are deer in the woods
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Sticker placement is key.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.