doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
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Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
A great first step 😂
Bike is short for Bichael.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
All. The. Damn. Time.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.