doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
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[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.