Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

broke down and did it

this has to be peak English

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

[Movie: Romance]

Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!

Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…

Him: K… forget it…

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

Lol #dogsoftwitter

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”