Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

Breaking news:

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

This kid will have a bright future.

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet