Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.