Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

In banana years, I am bread.

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye