DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
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Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom
Baller is short for ballerina
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Fries, not lies.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.