DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
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*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.