DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
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…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump