Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

Best spot.. 😅

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

Are you a cat person or a person person?

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.