Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
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[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.