Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
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Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
She was rare, like a goth carolling.