Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This squirrel eats better than I do

The Sun

How is it still this week?

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!