Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
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I’m a bad influence on myself.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Twitter fine art
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Good morning.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
when there are deer in the woods
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why