Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

True

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”

2020’s guy: “yeah”

1680’s guy: “yeah”

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.