Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

Pretty certain I can more drunk

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house