Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
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Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”