Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

More like Kate Missington.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

Bringing back this classic

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.