Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
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OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
This is I, Robot all over again
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.