Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

My husband ate the last chicken nugget so I’m single now.

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”