Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.

guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

thank god the sign was there

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night