Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk

Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.