Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
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Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
my fav colour is also hitler
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
LOL
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
