doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
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why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands