doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
You Might Also Like
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
And then there were 4
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door