Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
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Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
*seductively corrects your posture*
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.