Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
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Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Me trying to reach for my goals
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM