DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
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The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
i made a craigslist ad !
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.