DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
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The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
mood
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.