Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

bat life

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:

– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

All generalizations are stupid.

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

I might give this a try 😏