Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

😲 WTF? 😆

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*