Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

Dyslexics are teople poo!

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

Always 🥴

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

😍😂🥰😂😍

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.