Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”