Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
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[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Jesus Christ lmao
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one