Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down