doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
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My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow