doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
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Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
