Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

weaknesses

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.