Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m ready for Halloween this year

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.