Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

Me recordaron éste meme

My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

🤣dope

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t