Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

Real 😅

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

where do you see yourself in five years?

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?