Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.