Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

opening twitter today

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

For the ones in the back.

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

I hate when that happens.

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

“i miss shittin on people”

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member